“do i look like giant sperm to all of you?”
—chandler bing
June 2010
“No, I’m not a pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain’t shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist.”
—Justin Halpem
HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH
in an attempt to cheer myself up with funny words of wisdom from a 73 year old man, i began to read. here, ill share with you the entertainment of that which is…sh*t my dad says.
“No. Humans will die out. We’re weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy’s.”
“They’re offended? Fuck, shit, asshole, shitfuck; they’re just words…Fine. Shitfuck isn’t a word, but you get my point.”
“You seen my cell phone?…What’s it look like? Like two horses fucking. It’s a phone, son. It looks like a phone.”
“I’m not sure you can call that roughing it, son… Well, for one, there was a fucking minivan parked forty feet from your sleeping bags.”
“A parent’s only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed.”
“The whole world is fueled by bullshit… What? The kid asked me for advice on his science fair project so I’m giving it to him.”
“Mom and I saw a great movie last night…No, don’t remember the name. It was about a guy or, no, wait.. fuck, getting old sucks.”
“The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain’t like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain’t spitting it out.”
“I like the dog. If he can’t eat it, or fuck it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that.”
“Does anyone your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking.”
“Jesus Christ, Just give the dog his fucking food. Why’s he gotta do a trick first? YOU don’t have to do shit before YOU eat.”
“A scar ain’t 13 god damned stitches. I’ll introduce you to men with REAL scars, then we’ll all laugh at your fucking 13 stitches together.”
“Happy birthday, I didn’t get you a present…Oh, mom got you one? Well, that’s from me then too, unless it’s shitty.”
“Listen to the MUSTN’Ts, child,
listen to the DON’Ts
listen to the SHOULDN’Ts
the IMPOSSIBLEs, the WON’Ts
listen to the NEVER HAVEs
then listen close to me—
snything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be” —shel silverstein
listen to the DON’Ts
listen to the SHOULDN’Ts
the IMPOSSIBLEs, the WON’Ts
listen to the NEVER HAVEs
then listen close to me—
snything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be” —shel silverstein
“YOU CANT CALL A BABY AN ASSHOLE”
—
im listening to soft music. this playlist makes me really 'hm'.
laugh all you want, its my music. i like it. its solemn and treats me well.
- angel- sarah mclaughlin
- somebody to love- glee cast
- the man who cant be moved- the script
- hanging by a moment- lifehouse
- listen to your heart- dht
- nobody’s home- avril lavigne
- you’re beautiful- james blunt
- what i’ve done- linkin park
- 21 guns- green day
- daughters- john mayer
- the reason- hoobastank
- best of you- foo fighters
- swallowed in the sea- coldplay
- like a stone- audioslave
- a drop in the ocean- ron pope
- world- five for fighting
- maps- yeah yeah yeahs
- use somebody- kings of leon
- violet hill- coldplay
- break even- the scripts
- stop and stare- snow patrol
- never say never- the fray
- come home- one republic
- all fall down- one republic
- sex on fire- kings of leon
- airplanes- b.o.b, eminem, haylee williams
- closer- kings of leon
- she will be loved- maroon 5
- city of angels- red hot chili peppers
- set the fire to the third bar- snow patrol
sam speaks to mom and dad.
“you do not need to know how many miles are in a gallon….or how many gallons are in a mile. all you need to know, if to fill the car with gas, when empty. math does not matter, so please, eat some pineapple, and CHILL OUT.”
california man
he just texted me “hello luv”
shit i love this guy i love him i love him i love him
haha, it sucks that i wasn’t born in 1991.
and that hes not super tall,
but he has scars
alright this is too lovey dovey for me
i wanna dance with him
maybe i can crash his wedding
MAYBE I CAN BE THE BRIDE
…okay, getting carried away now.
awkward…
“i was young but i wasn’t naive.”
—
my darling, who knew?
i saw you for the first time in a while today. i mean, really saw you, as in had a conversation, hugged, and didn’t have it completely awkward and strange between us.
it reminds me of how much i miss being with everyone. i always imagine these scenarios where this maybe could happen, and it’d lead to this, and i would say, and you would respond, and i can get carried away, but they all feel so real. there was this one i had today, where you asked me about what i regretted, and i said not much, but i do regret not taking it to the next level this summer. who knew we could talk for so long and never run out of things to say? i dont have that with any guy, it’s pretty rare. and i was so stupid to give it up.
but then i think, well, its for the better, ya know? i mean, im not hurting as many people as i would have, and its finally abiding to one of my rules. im actually putting people in front of myself.
i hate that everytime i cant possibly have something, i notice nothing of the flaws you have. i dont know. right now, im working on the thing i promised id give you, and i really hope you like it. i hope you really understand the reason im doing this. i hope it doesnt make you feel obligated to do something, and that it only makes you happier. you’ve been amazing these scouple of years, and really have changed me. i hope you can work another girl over with your charm, or at least hold on to a special one. lastly, i hope the ring fits.
my darling, who knew?
i saw you for the first time in a while today. i mean, really saw you, as in had a conversation, hugged, and didn’t have it completely awkward and strange between us.
it reminds me of how much i miss being with everyone. i always imagine these scenarios where this maybe could happen, and it’d lead to this, and i would say, and you would respond, and i can get carried away, but they all feel so real. there was this one i had today, where you asked me about what i regretted, and i said not much, but i do regret not taking it to the next level this summer. who knew we could talk for so long and never run out of things to say? i dont have that with any guy, it’s pretty rare. and i was so stupid to give it up.
but then i think, well, its for the better, ya know? i mean, im not hurting as many people as i would have, and its finally abiding to one of my rules. im actually putting people in front of myself.
i hate that everytime i cant possibly have something, i notice nothing of the flaws you have. i dont know. right now, im working on the thing i promised id give you, and i really hope you like it. i hope you really understand the reason im doing this. i hope it doesnt make you feel obligated to do something, and that it only makes you happier. you’ve been amazing these scouple of years, and really have changed me. i hope you can work another girl over with your charm, or at least hold on to a special one. lastly, i hope the ring fits.
“i like you, and im making a fool of myself and i know it but i think its worth it because it might give me a shot at like, you and me”
— no clue
a women crying
sacredness in her tears
releasing the monsters
ghouls, horrors: these all she fears
but if only she could be shielded
from this world that seems a hurry
an earth of rarely else
than sadness, grief, a life led in misery
concealed behind a mask of steel
strenghthened enough to hide what she feels
her solemness and depth
only saught in times she’s wept
even her happiness, a habit overpowered
confided good things, became a coward
not only to bad, but to good as well
morals taught to live; everything but dwell
what that had brought her
was not at all fame
instead she hid, mercilessly ashamed.
gestures and bad taunts filling her head
only redemption: the tears she’s shed
so still, she lies
a soul despised
a women crying, oh! sacred tears.
releasing these monsters,
it’s the world she fears.
30, "your reflection in the mirror"
when i see myself in the mirror, i get reminded of alot of things that i don’t like about myself. it’s bad, but then sometimes, when it’s just the lighting, or the mirror, or i’m having a good day, i like my reflection. not usually though. i remember once i stared at myself, and like a friend who told me she did the same thing, i pinpointed every single thing i disliked about my features, my appearance. i thought it would help, but it didn’t. most of these things that you dislike, lookswise, are unchangeable. they aren’t things that you can just wish away, or cover-up, and that really hurts when you think about it. as time goes on though, i think that it’s things like these that grow on you. it’s like life, or like boot camp. the sooner you learn everything you need to know, the sooner you get out of it. life is like boot camp in that way. maybe it’s training us. i just lost my train of thought, but i think i was trying to say that you have to learn to love your reflection. i haven’t yet. but i will, maybe, eventually.
28, "someone that changed my life"
everybody that’s affected me, or changed my views and oppositions. everyday, something about you changes.
21, "someone you judged by their first impression"
alot of people, but i don’t really let on. im not that judgmental of a person. to each his own
17, "someone from your childhood"
monica rodriguez (i think thats her last name), i never remembered. she was my first best friend, and at the time we were both pudgy. i remember our play date, and when her grandma, or aunt picked her up. the lighting in my living room was really cool. sammy had her friend tiffany over, who was really thin, had braced, and gave us the cat rex one day. its weird thinking back to all these memories. i remember always choosing to wirte about how dramatic and heartwrenching it was whne monica told me she moved away. in truth, it really wasn’t. when she said ‘florida’ i was focusing mostly on reese’s, the brown dog next door.
i miss her, i have to ask henry for her contact info again.
sometimes i wish babies had facebooks so i could tag them in pictures. that should tell me something…my facebook pictures have mostly babies in them. wow, no life.
