pleasure seekers

my anon on formspring is back! ❤ oh how i’ve missed you stranger

if you really knew me you would know that im really good at catching people lying. you would know that im young, but im not even close to naive. you would know that i like to write, alot, but sometimes i feel inspired, and part of that has to do with who im worried will read it. you would know that two days ago i decided i would be skinny again, no matter what. you would know that my appearence means alot to me, but that i don’t dress for anyone but myself. you would know i don’t think im that good at taking pictures. you would know i am get incredibly jealous and sometimes overprotective, but ill tell my boyfriend to do whatever he wants. you would know that i’ve been told im the type of girl boys just fall in love with, and i intentionally hurt some of them because they’ve hurt me. you would know that im guilty of doing a lot of things, but not for everything that im blamed for. if you really knew me you would know how important family is to me. you would know that i’ve tried killing myself, and i think about suicide constantly. you would know that my best friend reads everything i write and she’s an amazing best friend and i am so proud of her. you would know i know who my real friends are. you would know im scared, terrified even, of where i am. you would know that every night, this boy tells me he loves me, but i cannot stop thinking about his ex girlfriends or those girls thats flirt with him. you would know that when he calls me amazing i want to pull his hands off of me and run away from him. you would know that i’ve never cut myself, but i’ve tried to hurt myself in so many other ways. you would know that sometimes, i don’t give a shit, but that’s because at that point im numb. you would know im really intelligent, and that im really social, but in a crowd i often feel alone. you would know i hate being ditched, more than anything. you would know that i cried this year on my birthday, and that i was in so much pain. you would know i have alot of power. you would know i get complimented on my sense of style alot. you would know that i have no idea what face to make in pictures because i never look good, i think, i always look weird. you would know i cried in the shower earlier, and i’ve bitten my lips bloody. you would know i worry about everything and everyone. you would know im afraid of falling in love, so i don’t let myself. you would know i lie to boys, when i tell them i love them. you would know that this year has probably been the hardest for me. you would know i don’t know what i want to achieve or how to get there and that i freak out about disappointing people. you would know i’ve never had braces and that i’ve grown up. i really have. you would know i love finding nemo, and that i love the name emmett, and william. you would know i think baby boys are less whiny than baby girls. you would know that i get inspired when im in the car driving or on rainy days. you would know that i’ve been on a plane nine times in my life and everytime i get in a plane i come close to crying.

you would know that people probably won’t read this. you would know im afraid of being judged. you would know that i haven’t been to the west coast. you would know that i have really neat handwriting, and that i can’t draw or sing, but i can act. you would know i have a weird music taste and don’t like imposing it on people. you would know i can’t swim and that my first impressions are almost always correct. you would know i’ve been hypnotized and that i have alot of ouija stories to share and that this is my first life. you would know i look exactly like my mum but i have my dad’s eyes. you would know i call him pops. you would know that i’m touchy-feely. you would know i hate crying in front of people. you would know i’ve been depressed and have mood swings on occasion. you would know that i hardly lash out at people but when i do it’s bad. it’s really bad. you would know that the description of a capricorn fits me perfectly and that i have really big hands. you would know i think very minute things are hilarious, like puns, and that i have a very expansive vocabulary. you would know endings are very important to me, and that there is one person im dying to meet right now. you would know im a virgin, and want to be one for a while longer. you would know that im not crazy, or very into drugs but im not that against them. you would know people usually get the wrong interpretation of me. if you really knew me you would know that i am one of those people who genuinely want to help. if you really knew me you would know i like raspberries and am allergic to oranges. you would know i have a short attention span but im really intuitive. you would know my weight bothers me so much and you would know i like dancing in the rain. 

if you really knew me you would know im not who you think i am. you would know that you probably don’t know everything about me. you know my name, not my story. if you really knew me, you would not judge me. if you really knew me, you would be surprised. if you really knew me, you’d understand the things you hear so much better. if you really knew me, i beg, that you would try not to hurt me anymore. if you really knew me, maybe you’d be more comfortable around me. maybe i’d be more comfortable around you.

we were in your room. i was sitting on your bed while you were standing and when you told me it was time to go to the roof, i tried standing up too, but your knees were locked in place, and i fell backwards, remaining on the bed. as i tried to pick myself up, i grabbed onto you, and you fell with me, leaning on your palms as my hands grazed your sides. you looked at me and i stared at you. we were so close to kissing, but we didn’t. our noses touched and our faces were so close. then finally, finally, i tossed my head back and i said, just kiss me. you looked at me for a second. and then, after all this, after breaking up and making up and being hurt and hurting, you kissed me.

it was damn well worth the wait.

“your just amazing.”

“you are the definition of amazing”

amazing. amazing. amazing.

fuck you, you say this to every girl

“amazing” is hardly a compliment anymore

i was laying down with you and your brother. your brother, was hugging me from behind and you were facing me, and it was comfortable this way. everything was great, comfortable, everyone was laughing, having fun, smiling. that’s when i realized that for some inexplicable reason, i wasn’t as happy as i was when this all began. 

god. today, so much happened. i found myself pulling away from you, cringing like all those victims in law and order rape cases. it was as if someone had pointed a camera at me, and i could see myself bothered by having you hold me, stroke my back, kiss my shoulder-blades. maybe it was because you i keep being reminded of how you’re talking to an ex, that you could not stand, that you broke up with for me. flirting with her? liking all of her pictures. maybe it’s because it 

im gonna shower.

thoughts later?

if you’re looking at this right now, if you care in the slightest bit, i know that you’re done. i know you stopped trying a little while ago. i know that’s my fault. i know im not even on your mind anymore. i know you don’t think about me. i know you’re happy with laura. i know you. i know you’ve given up on me.

i told you this beforehand, ill deal with everything as long as you’re happy. i hope you’re happy. i still care about you, but i realized you don’t need me involved in your life anymore. and i know that you think it’s best that way. and maybe it is. maybe this is the way it should’ve been a few months ago, right after we stopped talking to each other. im sorry, for everything. i love you so much, and i hope you know that. you’re gonna make someone really lucky one day.

good luck, i wish you the best love

sylli